Posted on Jun 18, 2010 under Wedding Toasts and Jokes |
Here are two humorous stories, neither of which is true – I believe, but they are pretty funny, and make great material for your potentially funny wedding toasts… so enjoy!
Wife, Missing – Wedding Toast, Funny
A man walks up to a gorgeous woman in a large market and says, “Excuse me but, I’ve lost my wife somewhere here in the market, could you talk to me for a few minutes?” “Why?” she asks. “Well, whenever I talk to beautiful woman my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere.”
Husband And Wife – Out Of Tune
A man and wife are getting passionate in bed, when suddenly, the wife stops and says, “I’m not feeling it. Can you just hold me?” The husband asks what’s wrong, and his wife says, “You’re just not in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.” The husband decides nothing is going to happen tonight and goes on to sleep.
The next day the husband decides to take his wife shopping. They walk all over the mall, and his wife tries on three expensive outfits. He says, “Let’s get all three.” Next they pick out some matching shoes, diamond earrings, and all the other accessories she wants.
The wife is ecstatic, and thinks her husband has gone off the deep end, but she doesn’t care…
They go to pay for everything, and her husband says, “No, no, no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” His wife gives him a blank look… “No sweetie, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while.” His wife’s face begins to turn red when he says, “You’re just not in tune with my financial needs as a man!”
I can relate with that second story…but anyway, I hope you liked these. I post new jokes like these all the time so be sure to stop by again if you still need help with a funny wedding toast!
Posted on Jun 18, 2010 under Funny Wedding Poems, Wedding Toasts and Jokes |
I found this pretty cool poem and thought it might be a great wedding speech beginning or end, or something, plus I threw in a couple more good jokes you could use with your funny wedding toasts.
If you want to make a great wedding toast, and are having trouble with the details, try clicking on the link below…you can get step by step help, fill in the blank toast templates, and tons of great examples written by professional speech writers.
A Pleasant Poem Plus Jokes For Funny Wedding Toasts!
There was an old party of Lyme,
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked “Why the third?”
He replied, “One’s absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!”
Just recently, on a night of revelry, I asked the soon to be groom what he wanted to get out of his marriage. He replied, “I want to be a model husband, a model citizen, and a model lover!” Being the curious man that I am I decided to look up “model” in the dictionary. It said, “A miniature replica of the real thing!”
I remember the first time Jill and I dated. When I arrived at the house, her father said she was just putting the finishing touches to her make-up and would be down presently. Then he added, “Fancy a game of chess while you’re waiting?
Well that is all I have for the moment, hope you liked the poem…I think it was the first poem I put up. I might try to find some more of them to bring a little more variety to my blog. As always, I hope you enjoyed the post, and good luck with those funny wedding toasts.
Posted on Jun 18, 2010 under Wedding Toasts and Jokes |
Here are some more short jokes and one-liners that you can incorporate into your own funny wedding toasts. Some of these I know are repeats from earlier posts, but most are new…and I really don’t feel like sifting through all of them. Enjoy!
The Jokes Start Here: May Your Wedding Toasts Be Funny
- Here’s to our wives and lovers. May they never meet.
- The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget once.
- There are only two times in a man’s life when he can’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
- We call him the exorcist in our house. Every time he comes around, he rids us of all our spirits.
- It was an emotional wedding. The mother of the bride cried. Even the cake was in tiers.
- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
- Speech-making is a bit like prospecting for Black Gold. If you don’t strike oil in 10 minutes, stop boring.
- I’m told that the best speech makers follow three simple rules. Stand Up. Speak Up. Then, very quickly, Shut Up. I’ll try to stick to that advice.
- The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops functioning from the time you’re born until the moment you stand up to make a speech.
- Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man’s habits, and then complain he’s not the man she married? – Barbara Streisand
- The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
- I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned John’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.
That’s all she wrote folks. Hope these were enjoyable and helpful. Good luck with those wedding toasts, hope they’re funny!!
Posted on Jun 17, 2010 under Wedding Toasts and Jokes |
This story is pretty long so I’m not sure how useful it would be as an icebreaker, but I know you’ll get a laugh out of it so I decided to post it anyway. You might be able to shorten it and include it in a speech, or use it as a funny (bachelor party) wedding toast…or something.
A Funny Wedding Trap To Toast To…
Our parents helped us in every way, our friends encouraged us, and my girlfriend was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me and that was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want to come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
I hope you enjoyed this little story. If anyone out there has had a similar event happen to them I’d love to here about it.
Well, good luck on those funny wedding toasts, and until next time…
Posted on Jun 17, 2010 under Wedding Toasts and Jokes |
I will warn you beforehand, these stories contain just a little bit more “adult” humor than most of the other stories I have posted. They are quite funny though so you may like to use them in your funny wedding toasts if you think the crowd would appreciate them.
An Inebriated Bride Gives A Funny Wedding Toast
So recently I was at a wedding where the bride gave a speech thanking everyone for the presents she had received. Unfortunately, she had drunk one too many drinks and, as she pointed out a shiny new coffee percolator she said, “I’d like to thank my husband’s wonderful parents for giving me such a nice perky copulator.”
Who Wears The Pants?
A young couple, who had just been married, was in their honeymoon suite on the night of the wedding. As the wife undressed, her husband tossed his pants to her and exclaimed “Put these pants on.” His wife put them on and the waist was twice as big as her whole body. “I can’t wear them,” she said. “Darn right,” said the husband, “and you don’t ever forget it. I wear the pants in this family!” So, she flips him her panties and says, “Try those on.” He tried them on but of course he could only get them on about as far as his kneecaps. He said, “I can’t get into your panties!”, and she said, “That’s right and that’s how it’s going to be until you change your attitude.
Ever Driven A Stick Shift?
Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.” The second said, “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.” The third said, “Mine is like an old clunker – he needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”
That’s it for this post. I hope you liked them, and as always good luck with those wedding toasts!
Posted on Jun 17, 2010 under Funny Quotes For Your Wedding Toasts, Wedding Toasts From Famous People |
Hear is a list of funny wedding quotes for your toasts. I think most of them are different from my earlier list of quotes but I didn’t check so…anyway, enjoy them and good luck with your funny wedding toasts.
Funny Quotes Make Funny Wedding Toasts
- An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
- Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. Whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash
- A gentleman, who had been very unhappy in marriage, married immediately after his wife died: Johnson said, it was the triumph of hope over experience – Dr. Johnson
- Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. – Scottish Proverb
- The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. – Shirley MacLaine
- I’d like to thank you for your presence and thank you for your presents – Steve Harris’ wedding speech in its entirety.
- For a light wife doth make a heavy husband – Shakespeare
- Husbands are like fires. They go out if left unattended. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
- Most girls seem to marry men who happen to be like their fathers. Maybe that’s why so many mothers cry at weddings! – Jenny Eclair
- Man who sinks into woman’s arms, soon has his arms in woman’s sink. – Confucius
That’s the last one. Hope you liked them. If you’re looking for more wedding quotes just click the “quotes” tag underneath this posts title. Okay, see you next time!
Posted on Jun 16, 2010 under Tips and Advice on Funny Wedding Toasts, Wedding Toasts and Jokes |
Below are a few of the best funny wedding toasts I have come across, you can use them as is, or cut and paste to make your own great wedding speech.
Funny Wedding Toast One
Some of the jokes in this best man speech are in slightly bad taste, but I liked others, so give it a read and you might find something you can use in your own funny wedding toasts.
As I begin this speech my first thought is… if I’m the best man… why is Jill marrying Kev? (Pause when people laugh) I guess that’s because, today, Kevin is the real best man. I did a lot of research to learn how to give a good best man speech, and I learned that I’m supposed to sing the praises of the groom. Sadly, I’m a bad singer. (Pause for laughter) Kevin, Jill is a truly amazing person who deserves a great husband. Sadly, you snapped her up before she found one. All joking aside, I am greatly honored to be here today. I love you both very much and wish you many years of happy marriage. Everyone, please raise your glasses and join me in wishing the happy new couple our fondest wishes, congratulations Jill and Kevin!
Funny Wedding Toast Two
This wedding toast has one great joke in the first half, and the rest is just a good example of a contemporary best man speech.
Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to Beth and Travis. Nowadays, it takes a brave and strong man to achieve his dreams and goals in life, and in love. A man of intelligence. A man who isn’t afraid to live life to its fullest, and embrace all life has to offer. But enough about me… We’re here to talk about Beth and Travis, two amazing individuals who have come here today to join together in what will surely be a happy and lasting union. (Raise your glass as you face Beth) Beth…you look amazing. Travis is so very fortunate to have found such a spectacular girl to share his life with. I am so very honored to be here today, chosen by my best friend Travis for this important occasion. I wish you both peace and overflowing joy in your new lives together, and may God bless you.
Funny Wedding Toast Three
This funny wedding toast has a pretty hilarious punch line, so be sure to read it all the way through.
Tim and Patricia, what a wonderful day it is to be getting married. As we all know marriage carries many new responsibilities. Patricia, from now on, you must never argue or even disagree with Tim, because as we all know he is now the head of the family and the king of his castle. You must keep your hair, makeup, and clothes perfect at all times. You should always cook Tim’s favorite foods and encourage him to go out with his friends often. Do these few simple things and you will surely be blessed with many years of happiness. (Pause to let it sink in) Patricia, I know that Tim loves you very, very much… (Slight pause) because he spent a long, long time writing this speech for me. Congratulations to you both!
Well, that’s all, hope you liked them, and good luck with those wedding toasts!
Posted on Jun 16, 2010 under Wedding Toasts and Jokes |
Here are a few good true short stories you might like to use in your own funny wedding toasts.
Ice Cream Man: Funny Wedding Toasts
This is a HILLARIOUS short true story you could toss in as an icebreaker to your own funny wedding toasts.
So a long time ago when I was maybe 12 I was at my cousin’s wedding. It was a full on catholic mass type wedding, and at one point during the wedding an altar boy walks down the aisle ringing this bell, and all of a sudden one of the little children yells as loud as he can:
“It’s the ice cream man”!!
Funny Wedding Toasts: What Not To Say?
You might be able to use this in funny wedding toasts. Not sure. It is funny though…
So, I was at a wedding reception and the best man was giving his speech. He was explaining how the couple had met (It was while the groom and best man were on holiday together). Here’s what he said:
“We saw these two women, tossed for them, and he lost”…No one laughed!
Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace
Here’s a hilarious little story for your funny wedding toasts.
At a friend’s wedding there was a particular mother with a son who looked to be about two years old. The wedding had just gotten to the point where the minister asks:
“If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be wed, speak now…”
To which the two year old pipes up NO! NO! NO! NO! The mother was apparently trying to pick him up off the floor at the time…
I hope you liked these stories, and I hope they have inspired you in some way. Good luck with those wedding toasts!
Posted on Jun 16, 2010 under Wedding Toasts and Jokes |
I found these the other day and just had to put them up for you all to read. They could easily be fit into your own funny wedding toasts, or used for inspiration. Enjoy!
Funny Mother-In-Law Joke
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when you can have her buried here for only $150?”
The man replied, “a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Happiest Day Of His Life
“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”
“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow.” Protests the nephew.
”I know,” replied the uncle, “that’s exactly what I mean.”
Lucky Escape?
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
“No,” he replies, “I was thinking about the time before our nuptials. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”
And there you have it. I hope you liked them, and good luck with those wedding toasts.
Posted on Jun 16, 2010 under Wedding Toasts and Jokes |
Here’s two more of the best and funniest true stories I have come across lately. Use them in your own funny wedding toasts or else!
On The Way To The Funny Wedding Toasts…
This is a supposedly true story I found somewhere which I thought was quite hilarious. You could easily tell this as part of your own funny wedding toast.
The bride’s family is on there way to the hotel to get ready two hours before the wedding, when suddenly smoke starts pouring out of the vents into the car. The father has respiratory problems, and starts to panic. They screech to a halt on the freeway, and the mother begins yelling, “Get out of the car!! Get out of the car”.
They call 911, when suddenly the mother remembers the ridiculously expensive mother of the bride outfit about to burn up in the car. Of course she smacks the son on the head, and yells, “Get back to the car!! Back to the car!” and gets him to retrieve it. Soon the fire engines show up and shut the road down to be on the safe side.
While all this is happening the bride is at the hotel. Suddenly she gets a phone call from an enraged husband to be who is stuck in traffic because some “stupid person’s car is on fire.”…
An Embarrassing Wedding Toast
Here’s a funny true story you might be able to twist into your own story for a funny wedding toast.
I remember when I was a little girl I was in my auntie’s wedding. I was maybe 4, with my 2 older cousins around 10 years old.
It was a winter wedding and we were wearing warm dresses. The church had the heating on full blast and the altar was right in front of this huge window where the sun was streaming in.
Part way through the service my oldest cousin faints right on top of my other cousin and both of them fall on me. To make matters worse I was having a double finger pick of my nose right then and when I landed my fingers got shoved up my nose causing a massive nose bleed.
Surprisingly, I’m not in a single wedding photo!…
I hope you enjoyed these, and good luck with your wedding speeches!
